Treatment? What!?

I leave in my wake a trail of failed treatment attempts. How do I feel about treatment? I really don’t know. I may have the opportunity in the upcoming months to do a special kind of residential treatment. If the chance comes up, I would go, whole heartedly. That said, I just have so many [...]

Some Perspective, or Something Like It?

I have a slight case of the post-purge jitters. I just finished purging my only real meal of the day. Granted, not being an actual meal does not diminish the loathing for that muffin I ate, with intentions to purge but didn’t. But that’s another story altogether.
I just finished showing my mom how to find [...]

All I Want is…

I saw this on another blog about 20 minutes ago.
This is a link!
It’s part of a book about a male food critic with bulimia. I read through, it took a while to get me interested. After about 2/3 of the way through, I realized I want to find a man with an eating disorder. Is [...]

Nightmare on Elm Street

The last 2 nights, I’ve cried myself to sleep because I feel so abandoned. I’ve also been waking up from nightmares. I don’t know what they’re about, I just know I wake up crying and afraid.
I’ve moved into my parents’ back yard. My dad doesn’t know I’m here, he never goes to the back yard. [...]

Don’t waste your time on me

**Warning**
Self-harm trigger warning.
Where are you and I’m so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and [...]

Love, Love Me

**Warning: Trigger warning! Do not read this post if you are likely to be triggered by the description of self harming or if you have an aversion to reading about blood**
A pair of new shoes with matchin’ laces!
A permanent box at Sheepshead races!
A porcelain tub with boilin’ water!
A Saturday night with the mayor’s daughter!
Look at [...]

Making Decisions

I ‘m terrible about making decisions. I don’t like doing it, and when I do make one I tend to have trouble sticking to it. Recovery is one of the many decisions that I made all too quickly and then had trouble following through with.
After spending 10 days eating what I only hope was normally [...]

Numbers and Amounts

I have different phases. Sometimes, the amounts of foods I consume scares me. Others, the number of calories scares me. Today, it’s been a little of both. My only meal today was 175 calories, but it was the amount that freaked me out. I had a plate of watermelon pieces and a plate with a [...]

Intake Update

1 Hard candy: 35 calories
Soup: 90 calories
Total:  190
I am loving vegan-ness so far, but it’s only been 2 days.

Centrical

When the toast is burned,
And all the milk has turned
And cap’n crunch is wavin’ farewell.
When the big one finds you
May this song remind you
That they don’t serve breakfast, in hell
from Breakfast
by Newsboys
I don’t know why, but I feel like posting my food consumption. I feel all scattered and keeping track of my food helps me [...]