Asa Returns

Hey all. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. But Livvy is too out of it and emotionally disconnected to write about herself at the moment. Currently, she’s lying in her tent, utterly dejected. She’s had an emotionally charged and straining day. Currently, she is feeling completely fat and ugly and cowardly because [...]

Treatment? What!?

I leave in my wake a trail of failed treatment attempts. How do I feel about treatment? I really don’t know. I may have the opportunity in the upcoming months to do a special kind of residential treatment. If the chance comes up, I would go, whole heartedly. That said, I just have so many [...]

Some Perspective, or Something Like It?

I have a slight case of the post-purge jitters. I just finished purging my only real meal of the day. Granted, not being an actual meal does not diminish the loathing for that muffin I ate, with intentions to purge but didn’t. But that’s another story altogether.
I just finished showing my mom how to find [...]

All I Want is…

I saw this on another blog about 20 minutes ago.
This is a link!
It’s part of a book about a male food critic with bulimia. I read through, it took a while to get me interested. After about 2/3 of the way through, I realized I want to find a man with an eating disorder. Is [...]

Just to see the blood flow

There is a vein in my wrist that sticks out in one spot and taunts me so. I want to slice it open. Not to die. Just to see the blood flow. But I’m too cowardly to try.
I found my box of art supplies and I was looking through it. I found my recovery binder. [...]

Don’t waste your time on me

**Warning**
Self-harm trigger warning.
Where are you and I’m so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and [...]

Trust Steadily

I was reading the Bible online at biblegateway.com and I went to 1 Corinthians 13. This is one of my favorite sections of the Bible because it deals with love and I love love. Today I decided to read in the Message, a paraphrased version of the Bible.
It had a section that said:
Love never dies. [...]

Love, Love Me

**Warning: Trigger warning! Do not read this post if you are likely to be triggered by the description of self harming or if you have an aversion to reading about blood**
A pair of new shoes with matchin’ laces!
A permanent box at Sheepshead races!
A porcelain tub with boilin’ water!
A Saturday night with the mayor’s daughter!
Look at [...]

Making Decisions

I ‘m terrible about making decisions. I don’t like doing it, and when I do make one I tend to have trouble sticking to it. Recovery is one of the many decisions that I made all too quickly and then had trouble following through with.
After spending 10 days eating what I only hope was normally [...]

Numbers and Amounts

I have different phases. Sometimes, the amounts of foods I consume scares me. Others, the number of calories scares me. Today, it’s been a little of both. My only meal today was 175 calories, but it was the amount that freaked me out. I had a plate of watermelon pieces and a plate with a [...]