“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end”
~Ecclesiastes 3:11

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about being in relationship with God, it’s that He often tells me things (through His Word, teachings, songs, quiet time, etc) and then He gives me the opportunity to put it into practice. It’s kind of like being in a class. First you hear about some new idea, then you get to practice it. The latest theme appears to be patient endurance. But I’ve also noticed that I’m not the only one who needs to learn about this right now, so I wanted to write about it.

Many of my Mercy sisters are currently going through tough times and some of them have mentioned feeling like they’re back at square one, that they’re exhausted, that they feel like giving up. I was thinking about it earlier tonight and I realized that for many of us who attended Mercy, endurance of any kind was not a quality we possessed before Mercy. Like myself, many of the women have either never completed anything they’ve attempted, or have completed very little. Too wrapped up in their issues, they, like me tended to start many things but follow through on nothing. (This is not to say this is the case with everyone who goes to Mercy, just many of the ones I’ve talked to.)

As for myself, while I gained skills and knowledge to endure, enduring through Mercy is just the first small step. I now need to learn to endure through all the rest of the things life’s going to throw at me. I admit, this is still a weak area in my life. I am still constantly tempted to just give up whenever something gets hard, or when I don’t immediately see a solution. Sometimes I see what other graduates have done since leaving Mercy, how God has blessed them, what they’ve accomplished, and I feel intimidated, overwhelmed, and jealous.

Lately, with the death of my sister, leaving a job, church, and city I loved, with feeling like it’s impossible to find another job or go to school, I sometimes feel like “the universe” is against me. That no matter what I try, it just doesn’t work. I sometimes feel like God promised me all these things and I can’t even get to the point where I can support myself. I ask for direction and I feel like I don’t hear anything. It’s often frustrating going from a situation where I was hearing God’s voice all the time to feeling like I rarely do, and never about the things I feel like I need to hear about.

Then, Tuesday night, I went to church and the pastor talked about endurance. When he was talking, it was like God was speaking directly to me through this man. I knew then that I have a very low endurance level. In the days that have followed that realization, I have had plenty of opportunity to endure. I wish I could say that I’ve gone through it all with flying colors, patiently enduring with praise and gratitude and a light heart filled with the knowledge of a God who loves me and loves me enough not to leave me where I’m at but to challenge me to grow.

Haha, right. I’ve complained within my heart, grumbled, whined, cried, and given in a few times. Luckily, my amazing God doesn’t give up on me. Earlier, I was given the opportunity to encourage one of my dear sisters, and in doing so, God again reminded me of the need and value of patient endurance. I was reminded of the Israelites, who even after God promised them freedom, endured through Him sending the ten plagues upon the Egyptians and the harsher treatment they received as a result. He reminded me that even after He freed them, they spent forty years in the desert complaining, cursing God, wishing to die, and missing their captivity. I was reminded that even after God chose David to be king, he spent years running for his life, living in caves and at times feeling hopeless, deserted, and abandoned by God. I was reminded that Abraham had to wait years between being promised he would be the father of many nations and when God actually gave him Isaac. I was reminded that Job endured unspeakable heartache and hardship. I was reminded that God gave Paul an amazing and powerful ministry, yet he endured beatings, whippings, prison, stoning, shipwrecks, being adrift at sea, near starvation, and many other things. The Bible is filled with examples of endurance.

I realized that, if I’m enduring what just anyone can endure, then I’m doing it all on my own strength. but if I endure beyond what seems possible, I have to rely on God, and that both deepens our relationship and brings the glory to Him instead of me. When it seems like God’s promises aren’t coming to fruition, I can remember Habakkuk 2:3.

This vision is for a future time.
It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
for it will surely take place.
It will not be delayed. (NLT)

For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day. (AMP)

This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what’s coming.
It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
And it doesn’t lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It’s on its way. It will come right on time. (MSG)

I can also remember Hebrews 12:1-3, 12-13.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.

So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. (NLT)

I then did a search for “patient endurance” and found the following verses:

2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

Hebrews 10:35-36
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

2 Peter 1:3-7
By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

Revelation 1:9
I, John, am your brother and your partner in suffering and in God’s Kingdom and in the patient endurance to which Jesus calls us. I was exiled to the island of Patmos for preaching the word of God and for my testimony about Jesus.

Revelation 2:2-3
I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. You have patiently suffered for me without quitting.

Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Colossians 1:11-14
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.

2 Thessalonians 1:3-5
Dear brothers and sisters, we can’t help but thank God for you, because your faith is flourishing and your love for one another is growing. We proudly tell God’s other churches about your endurance and faithfulness in all the persecutions and hardships you are suffering. And God will use this persecution to show his justice and to make you worthy of his Kingdom, for which you are suffering.

2 Timothy 3:10-11
But you, Timothy, certainly know what I teach, and how I live, and what my purpose in life is. You know my faith, my patience, my love, and my endurance. You know how much persecution and suffering I have endured. You know all about how I was persecuted in Antioch, Iconium, and Lystra—but the Lord rescued me from all of it.

Hebrews 6:11-15
Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance. For example, there was God’s promise to Abraham. Since there was no one greater to swear by, God took an oath in his own name, saying:
    “I will certainly bless you,
and I will multiply your descendants beyond number.”
Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised.

James 1:2-4
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 5:10-11
For examples of patience in suffering, dear brothers and sisters, look at the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy.

And all of those don’t include any verse from the Old Testament, or verses that only mention patience.

I hope this encouraged you a little, like I was encouraged.

“I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me find Me. For whoever finds Me finds life and receives favor from the Lord. But whoever fails to find Me harms himself; all who hate Me love death.”
-Proverbs 8:17, 35-36

“There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.”
-Gilbert K. Chesterton

I received a notice from WordPress informing me they had compiled facts about my blog from 2011 and I could view them all on a neat little page complete with fireworks. Partway down, they confirmed what I already knew. Most of my traffic comes from people searching for “Blue Personality” (http://www.colorcode.com/) or the above quote by Gilbert Chesterton. They then suggested I write about those topics again. That would be a great suggestion if I just had a general blog. But mine is really about me and my thoughts and the things I learn. I have no reason to talk about either again.

Unfortunately, I too often find myself in situations like the one I am in now: I have lots I want to talk about, but am unsure how I want to say it, or what exactly to say.

I also wanted to share this amazing bit of awesome called Sounds of Glory. It’s about how God sees you and your relationship with Him. I love it and I think everyone ought to listen to it several times.

“But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the LORD
because he is good to me.”
-Psalm 13:5-6

My younger brother recently expressed interest in playing Dungeons and Dragons. Growing up, all I’d heard about the game were negative things. I heard it was dangerous and demonic. I heard that it led to the occult and demon possession. But no one could ever give me reasons behind why it was so dangerous or in what way it was demonic. However, I had no intention to make the decision to play such a controversial game lightly. I decided to research it to find out more about the game, find out what all the opposition was about.

When I started my research, I came across articles like Should a Christian Play Dungeons and Dragons? and Demonic Child Entertainment. None of what I could find offered reasonable, rational, or (in my opinion) biblical arguments against playing the game. I did find a lot of fear and paranoia, scare tactics, misinterpretation of the Bible, and personal opinion. I found myself getting rather frustrated. These types of articles are exactly why so many people either hate Christians, or think they’re just nuts. The sad part is that, even posting on my facebook account that I was researching the game brought both public and private backlash.

It wasn’t until I came across Confessions of a Dungeons & Dragons™ Addict that I felt I had finally found a voice of (Christian) reason on the topic. Not only does he bring much clarity to the arguments many Christians have against the game, having played it himself, but he also expands on what gameplay is like in general. He also goes into how Dungeons and Dragons can be a ministry tool. He finishes his article with explaining what the real dangers of the game are and what you should be cautious of if you should choose to play it yourself.

So, having spent a fair amount of time researching both sides of the debate and feeling no personal conviction to the contrary, I have decided to go ahead and play Dungeons and Dragons.

“I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high” Leviticus 26:12-13

I changed my blog theme for 2012 because the top is rainbowy. I love rainbows. Partly because they’re amazingly beautiful, and partly because they remind me of God’s promises. They remind me both of God’s general promises to His people that He made in the Bible and they remind me of the specific promises He’s made to me in our quiet times. During this time of grief and pain, I need to cling to His promises like never before.

My plan (for the moment) is to begin each post with a promise God has made, a praise for something He has done in my life, or a relevant verse to remind myself of the promises He’s made that have been fulfilled and the ones that have yet to be. The verse above is a reminder to me that God brought me out of my “Egypt” so that I would no longer be a slave, but to walk with my head held high knowing that I am free and God’s and He is mine.

I lived with my sister Heather over the summer, nannying her three children while they were out of school. Those months very hard for me in many ways, but it’s a time I will forever treasure. Heather was the sister who always understood me and my struggles the most, and she was always ready with a listening ear and a silly reality tv show to help take your mind off things. Over the summer, I got to know her more deeply than any other time in the past.

When September came, and the kids went back to school, my wanderlust took me on an unexpected trip through Oregon with a group of strangers, and up to Corvallis. Shortly after arriving, I found a job I loved, a church I adored, and a local house of prayer that I was eager to get involved in. The next two month were fun and challenging. I finally felt I’d found my niche.

That all ended the night of November 18th, the day after my one year anniversary of graduating from Mercy. On the 17th, I felt extreme amounts of unexplained joy, peace, and contentment. I had a smile on my face the entire day. Even dealing with grumpy customers didn’t put a damper on my mood. That was the last time I felt joy.

The next day, I was inexplicably gloomy. I’ve often heard people mention having sour days, hours, or moments leading up to the death of a loved one. Unexplainable periods of sadness or a sense of foreboding. I often wonder if this isn’t some kind of spiritual battle leaving physical traces on our physical beings. I have no doubt that people can, and often do, feel the effects of spiritual warfare. Is this the explanation for the phenomenon? I can’t say, but that is a working theory of mine. And it seemed to be so in my case. But more on that later.

After a long day at work, I noticed I had several missed calls and a voice message. I decided to wait until after the walk home to listen to it, and I’m so glad I did. After arriving home, cold and grumpy, I called my sister Melissa without listening to her message. Had I listened beforehand, I would have been warned something serious was up from the sound of her voice. However, I hate listening to voice mails and called her blindly.

I was not ready for what I heard. My world changed with the words “they weren’t able to revive her”. Turns out Heather had had a bad migraine all day (she got migraines often) and called my dad to pick her up from work. Leaving out all the details, she had a brain aneurysm and collapsed in her bathroom. When Melissa told me the paramedics couldn’t revive her, I felt like I was falling backward into nothingness. I felt numb and confused and overwhelmed.

I was alone in my apartment that night, as my roommate was out of town for the weekend. That was the longest night of my life. I cycled between feeling completely numb, sobbing uncontrollably, and yelling in my mind that it couldn’t be true. I spent the night curled up on my bed, unable to sleep and unable to reconcile this new reality.

I don’t think anyone is ever really ready for the death of a loved one, but some situations are harder than others, I think. For example, if my grandmother were to die today, I would be heartbroken, but I would also feel relief. She is old, she has dementia, and she’s locked inside an Alzheimer’s ward at a nursing home. She thinks everyone’s out to get her and that she’s being held against her will (which is technically true) and I would love to know that she is in heaven happy and whole and free.

But my sister was only 32. She had three beautiful, intelligent children. She had no life threatening illnesses, was sound of mind, and no one could have anticipated her death. I still go back and forth between feeling absolutely numb and feeling weepy and overwhelmed over nothing at all. And there’s so much about the death of a sister I didn’t know about beforehand. There’s so much you have to do after a person dies. And how do I respond when someone asks how many siblings I have? I was asked last week and I, out of habit, responded that I have six. I instantly felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

I know some people get mad at God when something like this happens. I didn’t. But recently, I’ve found myself having moments of anger at Heather. I know this was not her fault, her doing, or her wish. But I still occasionally have a thought like, “How could she just die and leave her kids here all alone?” I know it doesn’t make sense, but so much about this whole situation doesn’t make sense.

I always thought I’d be the first sibling to die. God knows I tried often enough. And I assumed if I didn’t intentionally do it, something else would like my prescription drug abuse, the bulimia, a self-harm accident, etc. I never could have comprehended that Heather would die first, and so young. Again, I know it’s silly, but looking back I guess I felt that being a single mom somehow gave her immunity from death. I have to admit, after struggling for so many years from issues that could have easily killed me at any moment, it’s frustrating that it was Heather who died. It makes me feel like what’s the point in taking care of myself if, in the end, anyone can just drop dead in their home?

Death makes no sense in that way. I know a woman who has battled anorexia for over 30 years and is still living. I know a girl whose battle with anorexia lasted only just over a year before it claimed her as another victim in its clutches. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to why or when people die. One single mother raises her three children, sees them off to college, cries at their wedding and again at the births of her grandchildren, lives well into her 80′s and becomes the beloved great grandmother. Another single mother dies at 32 and never gets to see her children graduate middle school, let alone college.

I think that’s one of the hardest things for me right now. All the things Heather should be involved in, but won’t be. Shortly after her death, her 7 year old daughter had a school play. The next night, her 9 year old daughter had an orchestra recital. Heather missed both of these. The first school events of innumerable more to come that she won’t attend. We just had our first Christmas without her. Our first New Year. In 9 days, her son turns 11. It will be his first birthday without his mom. Next month her youngest turns 8 and it will also be her first birthday sans mommy. This will be the first whole year without my sister.

While it’s easy to say I should celebrate the time I had with her, or to think about the fact that she’s in heaven, happy and having a blast, all I seem to have the capacity to take note of is the absence. The lack. The hole that’s been left. My nieces sometimes get up in the middle of the night in tears wanting mommy. My 7 year old niece told me I look like mommy. She said she wants to go back home and live with mommy again. I want that too. I wish so much I could restore all these three have lost. My nephew asked me if I would teach him to draw. His mom taught me to draw many things when I was little. She was so creative. She would make paper dolls, build doll houses (complete with furniture) from cardboard boxes, create games. When I was a child, it seemed she was always coming up with some exciting new idea. Her whole life, what she wanted the most was to be a mommy.

Heather loved the novel “Little Women” and always likened herself to Jo. When she was a teen, she was always writing something new. Always reading. Always dreaming. She kept hundreds of index cards with names she liked for use in her writing. She introduced me to the internet, video games, and Star Wars novels. So many of the things I love, I love because of her influence. So much around me reminds me of her. I’ll be honest, the longer it goes, the more the numbness wears off, the less I seem able to cope with it all. So many times a day I find myself wishing that somehow I could go back in time and prevent this. But I am not a time lord and I have no magic Tardis to take me back, to warn her to go to the ER. I am stuck here in this linear, side-scrolling life. I need to figure out how to start jumping before the stage pushes me off the edge.

The thing is, now that she’s gone, I don’t find myself wanting to remember her. I know that probably sounds terrible, but it’s true. After she died, my mom put a picture of her up in the living room so the kids would have a picture of mommy to look at. I hate that picture. Every time I accidentally see it, it’s like an ice-cold dagger straight to my heart. My mom found Heather’s old “My Book About Me” that she filled out as a child and then went back at different ages and updated in the margins. My mom placed it up on the lip of the China cabinet. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of how much I looked up to Heather when I was little, and of all the things we did over the years, of all the times she made me feel special. And I can’t handle that.

I know this is probably the same avoidance that landed me in Mercy in the first place, but I feel like if I don’t avoid the pain, don’t push down the memories, it will all tear me apart. I feel like a dam with little leaks that I keep trying to plug, all the while fearing that sooner or later, the pressure will be too much and everything come rushing out and it will overwhelm me completely and pull me under.

Today has been a very rough day. This has been a hard week and a worse weekend. I have been reacting very adversely to a medication my doctor gave me. I’ve been experiencing suicidal, depression, and self-harm thoughts, I’ve lost my appetite and thirst, I’ve been having extreme tingling and numbness in my legs, feet, and face, severe OCD moments, anxiety attacks, and some very irrational thinking. Overall, it’s been enough to make me feel like I’m legitimately going insane.

Due to the lack of appetite and thirst, I didn’t eat at all on Friday (except the bite of ice cream my sister surprise spoon fed me) and I’ve gone from drinking water all the time to drinking hardly anything ever. Even when I try to make myself drink water or eat, I find it very difficult. I did, however, have my mom for accountability over the weekend so she was there helping to make sure I ate some and drank water. But neither was what I should have.

The worst part, however, it the combination of the amazingly strong self-harm urges and the completely irrational thoughts. I have wanted to cut and punch things and burn for several days straight now and earlier today I thought to myself “I can absorb nutrients by cutting, right??” How does that even make sense? I’ve been having many other thoughts that are just as irrational, thought thankfully most are not as self-destructive. I feel like I just need to go curl up in a small, dark closet and hide out until this medication is out of my system.

So I find myself in the position of literally sitting on my hands, or trying to occupy them so completely as to make harming myself impossible. I keep reminded myself that I am not crazy, I’m just reacting badly to a medication. I keep reminding myself that I do not need to cut or burn or anything else and that I do indeed have a choice, regardless of the overwhelming feeling deep inside me that says otherwise. And now I wait it out. I pray, I listen to music, I try to occupy my ever increasing ADD and foggy mind, I read my Bible, I reach out to my amazing support family, and I just wait for this horrid medication to get out of my system, wishing I could quit cold turkey and that I’d never taken that first dose.

Here’s to the next few weeks of weening myself off.

I have loved this song since I first heard it last year, and in so many ways it captures my relationship with God and with myself.

This summer I have had so much fun taking care of three children, ages 10, 9, and 7. I have learned a great deal about what it’s like to be a parent. I’ve learned that sometimes, you need to make kids do things they’re afraid to do. I’ve learned that sometimes you need to help them think creatively. Sometimes you needs to encourage them to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Sometimes you have to do things you wouldn’t normally do. I’ve also learned that you’re not always right, and they will notice.

Another thing I’ve discovered is it’s a lot of learning as you go. A lot of “oops, shouldn’t have done that!” I would have thought that, having worked with kids for 17 years that I wouldn’t have as many of these moments as I do. But I’ve learned that there is a HUGE difference between teaching a classroom of children, or even babysitting children, than taking care of them all day, every day. Go figure! And while I have done camp counseling where I was responsible for groups of children for an entire week, their whole day was pretty planned out and I basically took them from place to place and kept them entertained during any lulls. This is SOOO much different!

Finally, I’ve discovered that I just don’t understand boys. You would think that, growing up spending more time with my brothers than my sisters I would know exactly how to handle the 10 year old boy. But I’m so much more at ease with the two girls. I can do hair and nails for hours. If I didn’t love video games, I honestly don’t know what the boy and I would do together. If we could go camping or hiking or something, great! But in a house? I’m clueless. I tried convincing him to play Jedi with me and you know what he told me? “Won’t we get hurt if we try hitting each other with sticks?” Well, that was my whole childhood!

One thing I love about taking care of these children is that I’ve really started to think about how I want to raise my own children. I realize that I’ll need to discuss a lot of this with my future husband. But I’ve come to realize there are certain things I for sure want to do and others I absolutely do not want to do. For example, I will never use food as a punishment or a reward. And I want to make it a habit of telling my children character qualities I love about them. I want them to know from the time they are little that I love them, no matter what, regardless of anything they do. I want them to know that they are beautiful, and it doesn’t depend on their size, their clothes, their makeup, or their hair. I want to instill in them that they have a God who loves them deeply and passionately, who is never disappointed in them, and who has the best possible future planned for them no matter what choices they make or what happens in their lives. I want them to have a firm foundation in the Word, which means reading with them, teaching them, and answering their questions, and encouraging them to seek the truth on their own, and not to accept things “because Mommy said so”. There’s more, but that’s all that comes to mind right now.

As a fun aside, the kids and I came home tonight to find that one of their hamster cages had been knocked over by one of the cats. This led to three freaked out children running around trying to find the three missing hamsters. We found one of them curled up terrified still inside the cage. We found another not much long afterward and stuck both in a plastic bin (the hamster cage was in pieces) and went searching for the third. After no luck for quite a few minutes, all three children began to fear the worst. It had escaped the house. A cat had eaten it. Miserable fate after miserable fate was proclaimed. I reassured them that it was likely just spooked and hiding. However, there were so many hiding spots that I wasn’t sure how likely it was that we’d find it any time soon.

Finally, the youngest yelled that she saw it run under the sofa! The eldest child (the boy) ran over and picked up the front of the sofa while the girls and I tried to find the hamster. That thing shot around like it was fueled by rockets! After a couple minutes, the boy said he couldn’t hold the sofa and the 9 year old girl (who owns the hamsters) cried that if he dropped it, he’d squish and kill the hamster (so much drama!). So I went to switch places with him and held the sofa up for a while. The kids had quite the trouble catching the little hamster, so I suggested they go get bins to drop on top of him once he got hear them.

Eventually he shot under the armchair, the lamp, the coffee table, the tv, and back under the sofa. We had moved every piece of furniture at one point. Their mom was out running an errand and I was afraid she was going to open the door and the tiny hamster was going to shoot through the door and it’d be the last we saw of him. Also, I was tasked with putting the three to bed and here I was sending them running around the room. Luckily, after quite the ordeal and trashing the living room and thoroughly winding up the kids, the hamster ran across the room and the youngest ran like a lightning bolt and caught him before I even realized what happened. She was so proud of herself and I was so happy it was finally caught! I quickly had her put the hysterical little creature in the plastic bin, sang them “soft kitty, warm kitty” and sent them off to change into pajamas while I reassembled the cage.

On another note, watch this video!!

Somehow in our society, it has become popular to have no convictions. I don’t want to live my life that way. I want to live a life of conviction. I don’t ever want to back down from what I believe. But I really do have trouble when talking with people in person conveying what I’m thinking and believe.

Words could never say the way He says my name
He calls me lovely
No one ever sees the way,
He looks at me
He sees me holy
Words could never hold,
This love that burn my soul
Heaven holds me,
Oh heaven holds me

I can’t hold my love back from You

You would not believe,
The way He touches me
He burns right through me
And I could not forget,
Every word He said
He always knew me
The earth could never hold,
This love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me
Oh heaven holds me
“Sing My Love” Jesus Culture

I’ve been away for a couple months now, and I apologize. You see, I was too busy relapsing to blog.
“What?? Say it isn’t so?”
I wish I could deny it, but alas, I cannot.

These last couple months have not been fun. Not just because I’ve been depriving myself of adequate amounts of food or sticking my head in a toilet, but because I got back to a place where I needed to be in control. Losing weight the healthy way wasn’t cutting it, so I was going to do it my way. But, naturally, I couldn’t stop at that. I needed to be in control of everything. And that’s when I became a god in my own eyes.

I want to show you some verses from Hosea chapter 4 that I read earlier (sadly this was probably the first time I read the Bible in the last month).
“My people are destroyed because the don’t know me.” v.6
“They have exchanged the glory of God for the shame of idols.” v. 7
“They will play the prostitute and gain nothing from it, for they have deserted the Lord to worship other Gods.” v.10
“Longing after idols has made them foolish.” v.12

God’s people, all people are destroyed because they don’t know Him. Not because He destroys them. We destroy ourselves. We throw ourselves into sin, into bad habits, into poor choices, into all sorts of things that kill our bodies, minds, and our spirits. These things destroy us, because we don’t know Him. In Proverbs it says He will guide our path if we allow Him. But for Him to do that, we have to know Him. We have to let Him. So for a lack of knowledge, we are destroyed.

Also, I recently exchanged the glory of God for idols. I traded a relationship with Him, for seeking my own desires. I made myself an idol. I sought relationship only with myself. Worshiped only myself. So instead of walking in His glory, I was dwelling in my own shame. And to try to compensate, I just tried harder to be perfect. Which of course, meant trying harder to lose weight. I continue to prostitute myself to bulimia rather than stay with the one who loves me regardless, the one who teaches me to be a better person inside, who helps me to touch the lives of others, and in the end my longing after idols just makes me foolish. I make foolish choices and bad decisions.

However, I had reached the point where I didn’t care. I was having a conversation with a friend and she made some comment, I don’t remember what exactly, and I said that if God wanted me to be fat, I didn’t want to serve a God like that. It was that day that I effectively turned my back on what I believed what an unjust God who would want some people to be fat in a world that treats fat people unfairly. I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that God would create me to be fat. So, without really resolving the issue in my mind, I turned more deeply to my eating disorder habits.

Thankfully the talks with a couple friends in the last couple day, and the gentle nudging of a loving God, have helped me decide to stop restricting, stop binging and purging, and give up control to God. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if God did create me to be fat (which I don’t believe, but go with me for a minute), a relationship with Him is worth it. I’ve tried life without it the last couple months. I’ve tried running my life, I’ve tried holding the reigns. Where it gets me isn’t where I want to be. I’ve remember that thinness does not equal joy, but time spent in God’s presence does.

So here I am, committing myself back to His hands. Letting go of my grip trusting Him to catch me. I’ll be honest, I am quite terrified right now. But He has yet to let me down yet and I truly believe He’s worth it. And you know what? Since I decided to give up control this morning? I feel like I’ve walked out of a think fog. It’s the craziest thing. I can physically and mentally feel it. It doesn’t alleviate my fear, but I know I’m taking a step in the right direction.

***After poorly rereading this at 3am and half asleep, this really doesn’t make much sense to me, so I hope it makes more sense to you.***

“Who Says” by Selena Gomez

I heard this song while my niece was watching some show on the Disney channel. At first I didn’t pay much attention, but then I heard the chorus. As silly as it seems to me, it made me cry. Since I first heard it, the lyrics have stuck with me.

Last night I was having a really hard time. It’s amazing how much just a week of old behaviors can mess with your head. To top it off, I couldn’t sleep all night. Finally, at 5:55am, I went out for a walk to try to clear my head. I put on worship music and I sang for a while, then I started talking to God.

I can’t even begin to type everything that God and I talked about during that hour and a half, but it was like a good spiritual cleansing. I so needed that. I will, however, talk about a couple things. First of which goes back to the above lyrics. Who said I’m not pretty? Who said I’m not beautiful? Who said I’m not worth it? I can tell you who said. But that doesn’t really matter anymore. What matters now is that I’ve allowed satan to use those comments and opinions to build strongholds in my mind where I’m still convinced to this day that I’m not pretty, I’m not worthy, and that somehow attaining beauty can fix me.

Second, God pointed out just how dishonest I am. I don’t mean blatant lying. I mean I am never completely honest and open with anyone. That includes with God, and even includes with myself. There are still parts of myself, my past, and my character that I try to hide from everyone, try to hide from myself, and won’t acknowledge to God. In so many ways, I am still so terrified of truly being known. And when I think of baring myself before God, just the thought makes me cry. There’s still so much I don’t want to face. But I know I need to.

Third, I don’t really trust. There’s not a single person in my life that I really and truly trust with myself. There’s no one I’m willing to put my dependence in. Sadly, this in also includes God. Try as I might, I still find myself not trusting Him. I wish I knew why, but at this point, I don’t.

Lastly, while I was walking, the song “You Won’t Relent” came on my iPod.  It opens with “You won’t relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours.” When I heard these words, I told God that no matter what, no matter what I have to fight through, I am determined that my heart is His. At that moment, I saw an image of a heart with briars built up thick around it. I was standing next to the heart inside the briars, and God was on the outside. I saw myself struggling to push through the briars to free my heart and get to God. I heard God tell me that there are many things surrounding my heart that are obstacles to intimate relationship with Him. And cutting through it all isn’t going to be easy.

I know I have a lot of growing to do. I know a lot of it is going to be hard, and possibly painful. But I am determined that no matter the cost, the effort, or the time involved, my heart belongs to God.