Playing with Life

Today’s flavor is blueberries and cream. I’m such a good girl.

Let’s talk about perspectives for a moment. I’ve brought this up perspective before, but on a different note. I consider life to be sacred. I’ve been an active supporter of Pro-Life for many a year and have done what I can to help young girls and women understand abortion and their options so they can at least make an informed decision about the matter. I’ve made speeches on abortion and written papers and made websites and volunteered my time at pregnancy options centers.

Now flip this around to my own life. Why do I play with my own like it’s a trivial thing? I fight for those little ones who have no voice, even when they’re unwanted by the world. Yet with my own life, one that I know is cared for by people, I act like it’s nothing. I’m playing Russian Roulette. What are my odds? I spins that wheel and hope that the ball lands where I want. It’s still spinning, still spinning. How long will it spin? Where will I land? Will I stay in the game or lose it all?

I just found out the other day that someone I cared about died. She had breast cancer and didn’t tell anyone. She was fighting to stay alive. And I’m what? Fighting to die? Life isn’t a book. If I write something and it’s crap, I can delete it and start over. I can edit it until I like it. Life doesn’t work that way. There is no backspace, no reset, no “New File”.

If I draw a picture and I don’t like it, no big deal. I leave it in some corner somewhere. I’ll draw again. I have a lot more paper, tons of pencils. If I make a bad piece, I can just try again later. But I can’t try life over again. Life doesn’t come with a book of blank pages. You only get the one page. You can either make it good or you can scribble on it, tear it up, and throw it away.

Canvas. Have you ever been to an art museum? Seen a famous painting on tv or the internet? That artist took something plain and empty and made it into something beautiful for the world to take in and enjoy. How am I making my life into art? How am I using it to benefit others? I focus my energy on me and chasing that ideal in my head that I know doesn’t even exist in reality.

Do I even have the right to treat my life with such disregard? I have the best gift anyone can be given. Something you can’t collect or buy or trade. I have what so many people fight for. How many people are there in the world just trying to stay alive? By treating my own life this way, I trivialize their struggles. “I know you just want to be alive, but I’m really trying my best to die.” It’d be one thing is I was giving my life to someone else. There would be a benefit there. But I just throw mine down the drain while others try to plug the holes in their sieves.

So in honor of my friend who lost her fight, and all the others out there like her, I want to stop puncturing my raft and see if I can’t get to shore.