Of Mike and John

I know that I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I’ve ever met feels it–something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women–whatever that means–life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts…We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought–that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. We feel uncertain–uncertain what it means to be a woman; what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us–whether from a driven culture or a driven church–is try harder.

From “Captivating,” a book by John & Stasi Eldredge

Try harder. Yep, that’s the story of my life. Feeling like I’m failing and if I just got my act together, I could maybe be happy. So I try harder. But what do I really try harder at? Losing weight? Being the daughter I think my parents want? Being what I think others want? Trying harder. For others, because maybe that will fix me.

So I haven’t been able to get on the computer lately. Since early early Friday morning. So what have I been up to? Well, Saturday, I went to see Wall-E. I’m not sure how I feel about this movie… Anyway, yesterday, I walked to Payless shoes and got some shoes for work. It was 102 yesterday. This morning I started work.

I hardly slept at all last night because I was so nervous/excited about this morning. I got up at 5:20am to get ready to go. Then I had a 2 and a half hour bus ride to the corporate office. Three hour orientation, then my sister picked me up and took me to my training store way across town. I worked at my training store until just after 4:00pm. It was a pretty good day overall.

I did eat lunch today. The first time I’ve eaten anything but dinner since like forever ago. My manager practically ordered me to have lunch and then, before I could say anything, told the guy at the register to ring me up. I don’t normally eat at Wendy’s…or any fast food…so I had to look for something on the menu that I could bear to eat. I finally decided on a salad. Little did I know how huge it was. I didn’t finish it and I purged. Purging on your first day at work. I was really glad no one came into the bathroom.

So now I’m at home. Finally. Tired. My mom’s upset that I’m not eating dinner. Seriously, two meals? Who does she think I am? But I might just to make her happy and then purge. Oh! Also, I was at King Soopers today waiting for the shuttle to pick me up and I ended up on the weight loss aisle. I picked up some diet pills. I’ve never used diet pills before because I don’t really think they’ll work. But I’m really hoping. Really hoping they’ll help. I mean, I’ve been making good progress lately, but I’m not sure I’ll have the energy to work and exercise. Plus, I’m just really scared to stop losing like I have been. So I figure any little boost I can give it.