Uh…k. It’s 2:30am. And Larry (that’s what I named my eating disorder yesterday while chatting with another eating disordered person) just keeps talking to me and telling me how rotten I did today because I ate dinner. Larry doesn’t care that I hadn’t eaten yesterday at all or today until 7:00pm. Larry only cares that I ate today. Larry says I failed today. I tend to agree with Larry.
I feel terrible about eating. I can’t seem to get it off my mind. I feel like I had this major binge and I can’t be trusted around food. Never mind that there are cookies in the kitchen that I’m not eating. Ignore the fact that there is cheese in the fridge, my one true passion food-wise, and I’m not eating that. I’m being “good”. But it doesn’t matter. I already failed. And with the way Larry grades, it’s impossible to bring my grade up. Once I fail, that’s it. I’ve failed for the entire day.
Each day starts a new test. It doesn’t have letter grades. It’s pass or fail. Today was a fail. Yesterday was a pass. Tomorrow? I don’t know yet. I can only hope it’s a pass. I don’t want to listen to Larry berate me again tomorrow night.
But how do I pass? It seems like the only thing that makes Larry happy these days is fasting completely. If I have 200 calories, that’s a fail. If I have 100, still fail. 10? Yup, fail.
Why? Why does Larry feel that any caloric amount is too great? Doesn’t Larry realize I start work on Monday and I can’t do a good job if I’m fasting completely? Doesn’t he know that I can only fast for so long before my body shuts down and Larry no longer has anyone to yell at?
Larry, listen man, I love you, you know I do. And really, I like having you around. You’re good company. But I really wish you’d lighten up just a little. I can live on 100 calories. But I need something, my dear. Please don’t make me feel like a terrible person for eating one meal that I immediately purge. I know we have the same goal….or do we?
Do you really love me, Larry? Are you really trying to help me? Or are you the serial killer they accuse you of being? Are you really planning my slow demise? Please, Larry, tell me that’s not true. Lie to me, Larry. Tell me the things I want to hear. Hold me in your arms and whisper those sweet lies of hope. Let me cling to my delusions one more night. Love me, Larry.
Filed under: Thoughts and Musings | Tagged: anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder, eating disorders, fasting, larry, pro-ana, pro-recover, pro-recovery, proana, recover, recovery, restrict, rexia
Sweet Nothings in My Ear is a brilliant movie!! Wowie… I saw it and it is so profound, it is about true love and listening with more than ears…
Actually, “Sweet Nothings in My Ear” was referring to how I asked Larry to whisper lies of hope to me. I’ve never heard of the movie you’re referring to, but I’ll have to check it out now.