Head Games

“I’m Still Here”
by Johnny Rzeznik

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that’s held in your arms.
And what do you think you’d ever say?
I won’t listen anyway…
You don’t know me,
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you’d understand?
I’m a boy, no, I’m a man..
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what’s never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don’t know me ’cause I’m not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
The don’t know me,
‘Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I’m not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can’t break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

Mmm, wow. What an emotional day.

Do you ever get tired of fighting the same old crap? Crap in your head, crap with your family, just crap in general?

I sit here in the dark sipping a mug of green tea with lemon. I’m trying to calm my stomach. I just purged. My head feels great, my nerves have calmed some, but my stomach’s annoyed. My little 4 year old niece is lying on my bed to the left. Man, I love that kid. I don’t know how a heart can contain so much love. I love her brother and sister too. And I know you’re not supposed to have favorites….but…..she is my little angel.

This morning started, right after I woke up, with a disagreement with my mom. About my second older sister. The one with the 3 kids. Our disagreements are always about her. So anyway, that left me pretty upset for a while.

I try so hard not to be upset with my sister. I try not to be bitter. But we’ve been dealing with this stuff for the last 7 and a half years (when my nephew was born) and it all just builds up. I feel like I can’t take anymore. I’m not strong enough. (No, I’m not suicidal) I just don’t feel like I have the physical or emotional strength to cope anymore.

So I sit here, listening to Goo Goo Dolls on deezer.com. I love John Rzeznik’s voice. I ought to buy an album when I get some money I can spend. If that ever happens.

I sit here and reflect. There are so many things I want to say to my sister. But I know I never will. And I hold my tongue like a good girl. I play the part I was given. And darn it all if I don’t play it perfectly!

It all breaks my heart because I love her so much. How can you love someone so deeply but be so angry with them? And why can’t I just get past it?

Sometimes I don’t know where I’d be without music. What a dismal world it would be if we had mo music. The beauty of it astounds me on a daily basis.

Eh, I don’t really know where I was going with this post. I ate today. I had a quesadilla around 7:00pm that I purged. I had a couple pieces of cheese around 10:00pm that I also purged.

I got to play cribbage with my dad today. He skunked me once and I won twice, so we ended even. It was really nice to do something with my dad.

Well…this post doesn’t really seem to have a point, so I’m going to end it now.