Treatment….Again

I’m not going to go into the details, but I have committed to go to a treatment center. I’m on a waiting list, I’ll make another post when I know I’m leaving.

Food?

So the last week or so have been interesting food-wise. I’ve only purged once in the last 8 days, but I’ve also only averaged 478 calories per day, and that only because I had 1,660 on Friday. Yesterday, I had 248, which seems to be normal for me now. It’s becoming hard to eat at all.  I haven’t eaten today. I keep thinking to myself that I need to.  I think, just give me a few minutes and I’ll go make some popcorn. But then I never do.

Right now, I’m waiting for someone to get back from the fitness center. I know he wants me to eat, this makes me want to. But so far, it’s not working.

Happy?

Mhmm!

I have been, in the last few days, probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time. ^_^

It’s really nice. Really….really….nice.

Nothing is Guaranteed

I just read a blog post about taking things for granted. It it, she said:

Funny how much we take for granted.

Take me, for example.

I take for granted that when I get up in the morning, the light will come on when I flip the switch. That water will come out when I turn the faucet handle. And that when I sit down to blog, the computer will work.

I can’t take those things for granted. I’ve never been able to. I never had the chance to take for granted that the lights would turn on when I flipped the switch or the the water would run when I turned the handle. I never even took for granted that we would live in the same place the next day, or even that evening. I can’t count how many times my parents would come home from being out at some untold destination and tell us we were moving. Right away. Pack up, we have to be out by midnight.

I never had guarantees that what I owned I would keep. If it was out of my sight, it could very well disappear. I once watched my very precious things be sold auction-style because my parents couldn’t pay for the storage unit where our things were sitting. So I learned to keep my really important things with me.

One day, I would like to be in a position where I can take things for granted. But I also hope I never do. I hope to never become so complaisant that I forget to remember how blessed I am.

Dreams

I’ve been having more unpleasant dreams than usual. More meaning in greater numbers.

Sunday, I wasn’t feeling well so I spent most of the day in bed…dreaming. It was a long day filled with one unpleasant dream after another.  In the morning, I had mentioned the pain I was having to my mom (my whole body ached) and she gave me some kind of pill. I was half asleep, so I wasn’t really paying attention to what it was. But whatever it was made me super groggy and I couldn’t stay awake. Thus my string of bad dreams.

Today, I only slept until noon, which isn’t that late for me anyway. The reason I woke was because of a dream. I couldn’t remember it, I just woke terrified and gasping. And now it’s 2:30 am.  I will have to sleep at some point, but I really don’t want to. The thought fills me with dread.

Blue Personality Type

Quite a while back, I took a personality test. I stuck it in a draft intending to look at it later, but I forgot. Today, I was cleaning out my drafts when I came across it. I don’t agree with everything, but a lot of it seems accurate. It’s hard to judge ones own self accurately, however. Mostly, I just think it’s fun to see what the quiz results are.
(If I remembered where I took the quiz, I’d give you the link)

Definitely Blue

Congratulations, you are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is “Intimacy”. It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection – the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.

BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won’t do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).

The Color Code is Motive-based

You need to know that The Color Code works and is the best tool on the market today, because it is based on human motivations (why you do what you do) rather than on human behaviors (what you do). Behavior (for example, the way you act in a chat room or on a date) can be imitated, copied, or faked, but if you know the true motivation behind the behavior (what is driving the person to behave as they do), you already have a very clear picture of what that person is all about.
You only have one Core Motive or “Color Code”

Your personality type is driven by only ONE of four Core Motives, represented by the colors:
RED (Core Motive = Power, or the ability to move from “a” to “b” as efficiently as possible)
BLUE (Core Motive = Intimacy, this doesn’t mean sex, but the need to connect, share feelings, and build relationships with others)
WHITE (Core Motive = Peace, or calm even in the midst of conflict; clarity in the midst of confusion)
YELLOW (Core Motive = Fun, or always enjoying the moment)

These are the four basic personality types that I will teach you about. However, very few people have ever scored 100% in one single color while taking the profile; therefore, you will find that your Core Color is often influenced by traces of the other colors. That is why no two WHITES, although driven by the same Core Motive of Peace, will ever be exactly alike.

You Put Your Partner/Relationship First
People like to feel important, especially to their significant other, and you have the natural ability to make that happen. As a BLUE, you tend to be very selfless, and your first thought is always “how will this affect my partner?” You would be willing to sacrifice going out with friends or engaging in an activity that you enjoy on your own to do something less exciting with your significant other – not that they would necessarily ask you to – but just knowing you would is a great feeling.

You Make Events Magical
When planning something such as an anniversary dinner or a birthday party, you don’t like to go through the same old routine that everyone else does. You have a flair for the creative and you seem to have a sense of how to create an ambiance by adding special touches that you know will be perfect for the occasion. For example, you might have personalized gifts or you might recreate something meaningful that happened previously in your relationship. You make ordinary things extra special, which is very endearing.
You Are Unbelievably Thoughtful
You Emanate Quality And Purpose In All That You Do
You Give Your Heart Wholly And Willingly
You Are A Rock – Stable And Dependable
Your Capacity For Emotional Depth Is Remarkable
You Are A Class Act

You Tend To Blame Others For Your Unhappiness (Ouch)
As a BLUE, you hold high standards for yourself and tend to have unrealistic expectations of yourself, your partner, and how things “should be,” so when things go wrong, you turn to others, such as your partner, as the source for your unhappiness. You might say to him, “if only you were more attentive / caring / interested / loving (you name it), this wouldn’t have happened.” This is obviously not a great way to maintain somebody’s affection.

It’s Hard For You To Relax (You Require A Purpose To Play)
BLUES tend to be overly guilt-prone, and so if you are doing things that are not purposeful by your standards, you probably feel guilty about it. Ergo, you tend to require a justifiable reason to just play and enjoy life – which usually defeats the purpose and makes it feel unnatural or forced to others in your life. Your tendency to be high-strung in this way can be alarming to a potential mate who is stuck wondering if you’ll ever be able to calm down enough to enjoy a life together.
You Can Be Self-Righteous
You Tend To Be Moody
You Can Be Unforgiving
You Can Be Perfectionist To A Fault
You Can Be Untrusting
You Can Be Too Controlling
You May Give With Strings Attached

Your Needs
Now that you know how others see you as a potential partner, you should also know that there are certain things that you subconsciously need from your relationships in order to feel fulfilled and happy. These are your very own little hot buttons. When you find a partner who can push them for you, you may just fall head over heels.

You Need Your Partner To Understand You
As a BLUE, driven by Intimacy, you seek deep, personal connections with your partner. That doesn’t just mean that you want to understand everything about them. You wouldn’t feel that your relationship was complete unless he understood you completely either. You should look for a partner who can move beyond superficial conversation and is willing to understand every bit about what makes you you.
You Need To Feel Appreciated By Your Partner

You love to give openly and always go the extra mile to please your partner. All you desire in return is that he appreciate the effort that you make to do what you do. You will be happiest in finding someone who is comfortable and open in expressing that appreciation and who doesn’t take your 110% effort for granted.
You Need To Be Good Morally
You Need General Acceptance

You Want Security
You like stability and security in your relationships and in life in general. You want a partner who communicates in word and deed that he is committed to you so that you always feel on stable ground in the relationship. You also want someone who will establish a solid (and safe) lifestyle with you and not force you to take high stakes risks, although, I would recommend that you be open-minded in this area, because some risks will really do wonders to enhance the quality of your life.

You Want Autonomy
It almost seems paradoxical, because while you do seek meaningful relationships in your life, and enjoy the company of others, you also enjoy your independence to do what you like to do. This is true for most BLUES because you spend so much time caring for others, connecting with them, and worrying about making things perfect, that you like to have your free time not to have to worry about those things.

Turn-ons
Top 5 BLUE Turn-Ons:
1. Being sincere and genuine
2. Appreciating and understanding them
3. Being thoughtful
4. Expressing interest in personal details
5. Behaving appropriately and being well mannered

Top 5 WHITE Turn-Ons:
1. Accepting (and supporting) their individuality
2. Being kind
3. Creating an informal, relaxed atmosphere
4. Being patient and gentle
5. Introducing options and ideas for your interactions

Top 5 YELLOW Turn-Ons:
1. Being flirtatious
2. Offering praise and adoration
3. Reinforcing interest with physical contact
4. Promoting creative and fun activities with them
5. Accepting some playful teasing, joking, “comic relief”

Top 5 RED Turn-Ons:
1. Being competent
2. Demanding attention and respect from them and others
3. Being direct, brief, and specific
4. Presenting issues logically
5. Supporting their leadership instincts

Turn-offs
Top 5 BLUE Turn-Offs:
1. Being non-committal
2. Becoming emotionally unavailable or dismissive
3. Demanding spontaneity
4. Promoting too much change
5. Abandoning them / Being disloyal

Top 5 WHITE Turn-Offs:
1. Forcing confrontation
2. Being cruel or insensitive
3. Being domineering or too intense
4. Forcing immediate verbal expression
5. Demanding leadership

Top 5 YELLOW Turn-Offs:
1. Ignoring them
2. Controlling their schedules / Consuming their time
3. Being too serious or sober in criticism
4. Being unforgiving
5. Expecting them to dwell on problems

Top 5 RED Turn-Offs:
1. Embarrassing them in front of others
2. Arguing from an emotional perspective
3. Being slow and indecisive
4. Taking their arguments personally
5. Waiting for them to solicit your opinion

Sex For Pleasure

I find the thought of sex for pleasure disgusting. I have for as long as I can remember. I’ve never found anyone who feels the same, which is good, since sex is normal and healthy. But today I was reading a manga that I chose at random from onemanga.com and it’s about a serial killer who kills young male prostitutes. One page really got to me.

After I saw it, I felt taken aback. Someone, even if it’s just a fictional character in a poorly translated/possibly poorly written manga, feel the same. I had a real moment when I saw this. I stayed on the page for a couple moments, just looking at those words. I don’t know why seeing it affected me so deeply.

Optimism

So, in an effort to be more positive, I’ve decided to start listing happy things each day.

So today, here’s my happy things:

1. My brother fixed my computer so I can play one of my favorite games ever: Phantasy Star Online
2. I dyed my hair with kool-aid. It didn’t turn out how I wanted, but it is different enough to keep me from wanting to cut my hair all the time.

Asa Returns

Hey all. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. But Livvy is too out of it and emotionally disconnected to write about herself at the moment. Currently, she’s lying in her tent, utterly dejected. She’s had an emotionally charged and straining day. Currently, she is feeling completely fat and ugly and cowardly because she wants to have the courage to stab herself, but doesn’t. She’s toyed with the idea for quite time but is too afraid to actually do it. Probably a good thing.

She is going to sleep soon, with the hopes that she doesn’t wake up, but knows that she will. Fuck.

*Exhales*

It’s been a very long, hard day.